Stuck in the Mud

I just had a conversation with a good friend of mine, who is a cofounder of an excellent group called “Diversify the Stand”. I meet with her twice a month to talk about where my career is going and to get an additional set of eyes on what I’m doing. Career moves made by a horn and electronics soloist/photographer can be somewhat lonely. I don’t have a duet partner! (Besides Stan, of course)


The topic of this week was pretty simple. I’m stuck in the mud. I haven’t felt like my music is as easy to write as it has been, I don’t feel like my photography truly meshes in with my business, and I don’t have real clarity on what I’m doing. I told her that I wanted to hang up the camera, focus on more traditional horn playing, and put this whole thing behind me. This is scary to admit! I’ve relied on Carrie for years to help me articulate my problems and work out how to deal with them. What was the sage advice from the doctorate from Colorado?

Shot on: Olympus OM-D E-M1 M.Zukio 75mm f1.8 lens: f/2.5 1/500 75mm ISO1250.

“Write a blog about it"

​What? Carrie? That’s it? That’s all you’ve got? Write a blog? A BLOG? What a useless idea. Get out of here, Carrie. Not helpful, swing and a miss, bye Felicia.
 
So here I am, writing a blog trying to figure out how to write a blog about not doing well, and I’m realizing that my big mistake for the past few months is dissociation. I’ve looked at my photography, music, personal life, and other avenues of my life in a vacuum, and I’ve failed to remember that I’m just one artist living a single life. What I’ve forgotten is that it’s all connected.

​Yes, I can demand of myself that I play at a level where my horn playing can stand on its own. I can demand of my photography that it can exist without music (in fact, it does!) Moving forward, I realizing again that I am a multi-faceted artist. Who am I? I’m a horn and electronics performer/composer and photographer. When I’m playing horn, I’m still a photographer, and when I’m taking pictures, I’m still a musician. 

So here’s to 2021, a year when I make this promise to myself. No more worrying how things “fit” or “work”. I do what I do, and that’s good.

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